In May I had decided to stop taking my anxiety medication after all 700 surgeries. I felt the need to cleanse my body completely of all medicine (chemo, anesthesia, pills in general). Well, it was clean. I made it 8 months without my anxiety medicine. I’m not proud or saying it was successful. But I do feel like I gave it enough time to understand what kind of a person I am without it.

I’ve come to the conclusion (I’m writing this to remind myself in 5 years when I try to go off again) that I 100% need my anxiety medication. It’s a battle I will forever struggle with, and just like chemo, I need something to help me stay well. I accept that. Today.

Ultimately, I realize my biggest struggle in life. Control. I’m sure there are many out there who can relate and understand. I want control, of everything. It’s so easy to say “well, there’s only one who is in control, and that’s God.” I got it. But when you are in that place you can’t hear. You can’t see. You can barely breathe.

I was in constant worry and fear. I literally thought the worst of every situation and just found it easier to close myself in my own home because I was “safe” there. Safe not offending anyone, safe out of the car, safe away from people who would hurt me, safe from change, safe from people taking my kids, safe from my husband cheating on me, safe from everything.

And now I realize, I wasn’t safe at all. And I have no control over any of those things. My rational thoughts and stable mind (for now:)) have returned. I’m holding on to this feeling for dear life as I’m not sure how long it will last.

It’s these moments, when you are going through crap, that you look back on and think, “why can’t I have that feeling back? I want to feel that close to Jesus again”. Because right now, I’m living my life with him all day. Talking to him, singing with him, listening to him.

And I love it.