It’s been one year since my last chemo treatment (thank you for not applauding). The roller coaster of the end, one year ago, I will say seems to continue. One year ago I ended treatment and my life “resumed” as normal. I went back to the same life I had been living. That’s what I wanted after all. When I was sick, I closed myself in, shut everyone out until I was “better” and ready to resume my normal life again. However, normal life felt anything but normal. I started to realize how much having cancer really did change me. As some of you know, I made the decision to quit drinking (my favorite pastime) and discontinue using substances such as pain medicine and Benzodiazepines. Not an easy task for someone who has struggled in these areas since I was about 14 years old. After all these substances truly did help place my anxiety-ridden mind to another place. I’ve been sober for 228 days and no other substances for over 30 days. I’m not patting myself on the back but more giving a timeline to help myself understand how new this new life is for me.
I struggle every day. I feel every day. It’s hard every day. I will not categorize myself as a fighter or a weak or a strong person. I will just say I am a person created by God. This is my journey to figure out how to navigate this life until the day my father chooses to take me.
I know a few things. I cannot do this alone and need Jesus. Secondly, I want my family and friends around me a lot. They are after all the earthly glue that keeps me together.
I will pray this today:
Jesus, please remind me. Remind me of the weather that you have given to me today to enjoy on the patio with my five-year-old. Remind me that I’m sitting here right now with her feeling the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. Remind me tomorrow when I forget that the clouds were moving so slowly and wispily in the blue sky. Remind me that Kennedy is so incredibly beautiful and girly.
I pray for your constant guidance, so crystal clear, because that is what I need. I pray for your path and that I may be one day be an ounce as good as you.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for giving me words today.